Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out

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Adjusting from being involved in all aspects of their lives to respecting their autonomy as young adults has been interesting. I've definitely made some blunders along the way and expect that, even with the best of intentions, I'll likely make more in the future. It's hard letting go. It's hard keeping opinions and unsolicited advice to myself. Sometimes I step on toes and hurt feelings, which is not what I want to do. Not at all! So, when I stumbled across this book with its catchy little title, I figured I'd give it a listen. Those who work hard often do profit from it, but that hasn't always been the case throughout history. Slaves haven't. Or if someone works hard for something, then another person comes along and steals it. The expected outcome is that those who work hard benefit from it. It's the normal, usual flow of events, but it's not a promise. While there are shelves of baby and toddler books, and a growing number on teens, late-stage mothering is a wasteland. That doesn’t mean women aren’t interested in it though. Byford found more than 30 women to interview, and many felt huge relief at being able to voice their opinions.

We’ll be talking about enabling and entitlement, and we’ll learn some practical ways that we as parents can help guide our children into responsible adulthood. Adult children don't distinguish between what we consider an innocent remark or desire to fix a problem, and parental control." This one felt odd to me, probably because I seldom, if ever, felt controlled. [One of my sisters felt differently here, so there's a difference in personality coming into play.] What are you doing to maintain your [own] emotional, physical, relational, and even spiritual health?" I remember, in the events following my dad's death, watching as my mom did things for herself in each of those categories, perhaps more reflexively than intentionally, but consistently nonetheless. And although I loved on her, I remember thinking that was exactly what I needed from her at that moment - the knowledge that she was taking care of herself, and the example that she set in taking care of herself. The consequences of poor choices can be really, um, messy. They can be hard to clean up. And the fallout might last a long time. It disturbs me a little when people take things to be promises that aren't ... I am always afraid they will be doubly-disillusioned if it doesn't come true, and perhaps disillusioned in God as well.

This is an encore presentation of one of my favorite episodes from 2020, my conversation with Jim Burns, President of HomeWord and the Executive Director of the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. Jim speaks to thousands of people around the world each year. He has close to 2 million resources in print in 30 languages. He primarily writes and speaks on the values of HomeWord which are: Strong Marriages, Confident Parents, Empowered Kids, and Healthy Leaders. Some of his most popular books include: Confident Parenting, The Purity Code, Creating an Intimate Marriage, and Closer. Jim and his wife, Cathy, live in Southern California and have three grown daughters, Christy, Rebecca, and Heidi; two sons-in-law, Steve and Matt; and two grandchildren, James and Charlotte. Healthy family relationships are the pearls of life; this book will help you not only to discover that but also to recover what may have gotten lost along the way." Dr. Wayne Cordeiro

I thought this was quite good--really worth reading. I actually would recommend parents read this earlier than the title might make you think (perhaps when teens are 14-16) as he has some good information about training our children to handle finances and it would prepare a parent to be proactive with expectations instead of reactive in dealing with issues.Bland and practical advice. Nothing new or Earth shattering. Basically "be fun and keep your mouth shut." As Byford reminds me, women’s friendships are on the whole very much based on disclosing things to each other. “But there seems to be a taboo about talking about things that are difficult at this stage, as if it’s your fault. You’d rather give a positive version of your family life. It took a while for these women to say, ‘You know what? This is really difficult.’ And it is difficult for all of us.

Enabling behavior shields people from experiencing the full impact and consequences of their behavior.

How to navigate “The Messy Middle” - Meet them on their territory. Become a student of your adult child’s culture. Parent with AWE (affection, warmth and encouragement.) It doesn't deal with any of the causes of fractured relationships or situations where children have legitimate grievances with their parents (or the church for that matter) that require a solution beyond bribing them to attend church through breakfasts at IHOP or pacifying in-laws with free childcare. The aim of Jim (and Homeword)’s work is to strengthen and equip parents, couples and families. They believe in strong marriages, confident parents, and empowered kids. Big Ideas Like most self-help/advice books, this one tells you what you already know. However, for some of us, you need to see it in print to get it through your skull. I am that person.